I’m in a bad mood. But I’ve made a commitment to myself to try to blog weekly. So. Here’s a quiz. Doing which of these things will have me just delete your query unanswered, versus me sending you a curt email? Answers are below.
- Send me a query with an attachment
- Query me with multiple projects
- Query me on Facebook Messenger
- Query me with a genre I don’t represent
- Query me with an age level I don’t represent
- Add me to a cc list with a bunch of other agents
- Get my name wrong or do a Dear Sir/Madame or To whom it may concern
- Send me a query that, if printed out, would go on for a few pages
- Re-query me with something I recently rejected
- Query me even when I’m closed to all queries
- Send me a query to an email other than my querylinda email
- Query me when I’m closed to queries, except for post conference, for a conference over a year ago, unrequested.
Ok, here are my responses: 1,6,7,9,10 all just get deleted, unanswered.
The others get curt responses, such as: “All queries should go to my querylinda@ email address” and “I only represent children’s literature” and “Sorry, but I really am closed to queries.”
But just so you know, here’s what goes on in my head:
- Delete, mother fucker! Bwa ha ha!
- Why? Why would you do this? Why don’t you know not to do this?
- Really? Just. Really?
- You clearly don’t know anything about me. Ugh!
- Why? Why don’t authors do their research?
- Another delete! Yes! Yes! Bwa ha ha!
- What, the actual, fuck? Delete.
- Skim, skim, skim, skim.. sigh… form rejection.
- I can’t even. Delete.
- Delete. Just delete.
- How would someone think this is ok? Why would they think they’re special?
- Holy moly. Really?
Ok. So, I’m sorry I’m blogging while grumpy. I shouldn’t do that. But I haven’t actually given you any misinformation. I’m sure I’m not the only agent who’s thought these things. And I’m sure there are much nicer people out there than I. But I know you guys count on me for being a straight shooter. And I know you guys know I sometimes lack a filter. So. There you have it!
For the record, I am currently closed to all queries, except for the Open Call to Muslim Writers (who are not exempt from having to follow my submission guidelines).